Trytosmile's Blog

hey =] feeling alot better now but didnt get alot of sleep because had lots on my mind =[ so i think i had like 4 hrs of sleep maybe, not too sure tho but tafe was good not boring and went really quick, lots of group work so that could be why and got told i have very beautiful eyes pretty much the whole day lol, kept getting in trouble for talking all the time =P got a lift from a friend and forgot my keys inside the house and my brother in law wasnt at home so lucky the back door was left open lol. Joel sms'd me and said he wouldnt be able to call me today =[ makes me sad wish i could see him im missing him heaps lol go home tomorrow which will be good to see everyone again =] ummmmmmmmmm i think thats it aye will talk more tomorrow i think =D

trytosmile

Got off the phone to Joel awhile ago didnt talk as long as i hoped but oh well he was at a friends house so it was kinda hard to talk to him with other people talking to him at the same time, just got out of the shower, have a massive headache for some strange reason dont know where the pain killers are in my sisters house and i cant ask them cuz they have gone some where maybe to my house to give my dad his present from america, so im all by myself dont really like it cuz i just start thinking about stuff i dont want to think about. I guess im the type of person who needs people around them and hate/fear being alone, so i thought i would work on my story to keep me occupied until they come back and i think they said they would be going to the shops to get food as well. Havent gone back on msn yet dont feel like talking to people right now even tho i feel lonely right now =[ probs will only see Joel after the 26 of feb cuz of his studies. I dont know what else to say right now all that i just feel like crying but i dont know why maybe cuz i miss Joel alot and when he tells me he has to go i get a surge of pain through out my chest, i dont understand that. I dont understand anything any more like all this new emotions im experiencing and i dont know how to handle them. Joel has probs already had all this emotions and knows how to handle them but im still new to all of this and i dont know what to do i love him so much that it hurts to love him. I’m not saying i dont want to be with him if he reads this and thinks im going to break up with him im not cuz i want to conque this emotions and be with him for the rest of my life and i know that sounds full on and maybe he will think that but thats how i feel, sometimes i feel alright but other days i just feel so down and i feel i cant talk to my mom about this feelings cuz i know she would say im being stupid and that hes my first boyfriend and not to take it so seriously but i am because i dont want him to be my first boyfriend, i want him to be the only boyfriend, i just want him no one else just him well i think ive gone off a bit too much might write another post later tonight maybe

trytosmile

well today was weird at tafe we had to go to a child care centre to watch their morning tea routine and to have a look around the centre when i was walking up to the building one of the girls in my class told me that she was high i was like what but you dont look it and she said that she had put that eye stuff to make it not soo red. All i could do is shake my head at her, then when more people from my class came she went and told them aswell she even told them when we were in side the centre. Then when we got back to the class room one of the teachers came in and took her away and we found out that someone had told them that she was high and she told them that she wasnt high and that she was just not feeling well and they were going to call the cops to take a drug test and she some how got them to believe her so now the whole class is upset with her cuz shes gone and maybe gotten this other person in trouble even tho they are telling the truth. So if we find out the person is in alot of trouble we are going to say something cuz its not right for lieing like that but on other news Joel is going to phone me soon yay and i will get to talk to him again so excited =] lol any ways i just gotta hang on until Joel is able to see me again which is hopefully next week. I hope =s other wise im just a bit bored and this guy asked me to add him on msn said he only wants to be friends hasnt said anything to me that is sexual so thats good i already told him that i have a bf and hes still talking to me just now he wanted to webcam with me but i dont have one and he tried to get me to see him on webcam but i would have to join some dating site so i was like no ways and told him that maybe someother time plus i dont want to join some dating site. Now he said he has to go have a shower but i think he just said that cuz i didnt want to webcam with him so im waiting to see if he will talk to me abit later, I’ll post on here to let you know if he does or not =] helped cooked dinner last night fun fun love cooking when im in the mood =P i really want to listen to music right now but my brother didnt charge my ipod so angry with him for that well talking to Joel right now write here later bye =]

trytosmile

howzit people im at my sisters house which is really really boring and there isnt that much to do plus i wont be able to see Joel at all cuz he is busy with his studies and i feel like i am being very annoying to him even tho he tells me im not so my plan is not to annoy him so i wont text him tomorrow to try and see if i can controll my self i have a feeling i will fail at this but hopefully i wont its not like i dont want to speak to him, cuz i really really want to but i dont want to get in the way of his studies. He told me that he was going to give me a book for our three months but he wont tell me what kind of book it is which is making me annoyed i really want to know what it is, all he told me is that his parents made it for him which reminds me i forgot to ask his parents about that and i had two days in his room to look for this book but i forgot all about it until today when he said he hopes i like it, i was like T^T shit i forgot about that lol so maybe next time when ever i can go over again i will have to put like a reminder on my phone so i dont forget to ask his mom. When i was over there his mom showed me his baby photos and he looks just like his mom when she was a baby =] so cute little Joel lol ^_^ and his dad was sharing some funny stories of what Joel did when he was little =P i laughed so much lol. I also went to the shops yesterday and bought him a shirt and a book i wanted to get him something else but i dont want him to know so im not going to write it on here cuz i know he will read this one day and it will ruin the surprise =D. I really felt like writing my story but im having a hard time coming up with some ideas      =[ this makes me sad, maybe when i finish tafe i will be able to concentrate on it but i also have to find a job, yes yes i still dont have a job its really hard you know ive gone and put in my resume in lots of places and still no one has called me so gay. So when i get my cert III i will be able to get a job hopefully not too far away cuz i have to catch a bus to get there. Been looking in the newspaper but all they want is group leaders and you can only be an assistant with a cert III =[ that made me sad as well. My friend went and put our pics of wet n wild up on face book lol i look so bad all wet with no make up on at all =P, sigh even tho i have been writing about all of this i still had Joel on my mind, he wont get out of my head!!!! lol its not a bad thing but it wears me down cuz i know i cant see him and talk to him =[. YAY its raining right now wooohooo lol so cool i love the rain so much i love walking in it too, i really hate the heat -__- im more of a winter person so is Joel which is really good we have lots in common and i love him more than anything in this world and i would rather die than live with out him. I know that sounds stupid but thats how i feel about him and lots of other things but i think i have written alot already and its close to my bedtime cuz i have Tafe tomorrow sigh really dont want to go cuz i have to walk in the stupid heat T^T oh well write here some other time

trytosmile

Well its been awhile since i last wrote on here =P been really busy with tafe and seeing the bf when ever i can its really hard when you have to go to tafe when all you want to do is hang out =[ but i like tafe i get to see all the people again and its fun with them there but i dont see them out of tafe so its alright. But i just want to see Joel (bf) all the time and i get really down when i know he has to go back home, but i will have to accept the fact that he has things he needs to do and its not all about what i want like he needs to study for uni and i dont want to get in the way of his studies, i say i dont mind if he doesnt come at all next week cuz he goes back to uni on the 1st of march and thats getting closer every day but really inside i really want him to come over and stay with me cuz i love people around me i cant handle being alone and at the beginning of the week i was talking to him on msn and he said that he was going to go play with one of his friends and asked me if thats okay, I told him that he doesnt have to ask me for permission to do things with his friends go have fun but really inside i was jealous that he was going to go play a game with his friend rather than talk to me but of course i couldnt say that to him cuz i knew i was being stupid for feeling like that but yet it got to me and i didnt know what to do so i tried to phone my friend Jamie but she was busy so i had to wait until she wasnt busy anymore then Joel came back and i should i was upset but im not good at expressing myself when i havent had such feelings before so i made him worry about me which i hate doing but when i phoned Jamie she was able to make me feel better i dont know why but when ever i talk to her she just makes me feel better any ways we sorted it out and became alot closer which is good. Oh well i know im being stupid, also i like to show my feelings alot for him but i get confused cuz i dont know if im doing too much or am i getting annoying to him this things are always in the back of my head and they wont go away, i dont want to suffocate him with my love and make him run away well anyways we went and saw the wolfman and it was really good i got a couple of frights which made Joel laugh at me -__- he is so mean to me lol well thats all for now cya

trytosmile