Got off the phone to Joel awhile ago didnt talk as long as i hoped but oh well he was at a friends house so it was kinda hard to talk to him with other people talking to him at the same time, just got out of the shower, have a massive headache for some strange reason dont know where the pain killers are in my sisters house and i cant ask them cuz they have gone some where maybe to my house to give my dad his present from america, so im all by myself dont really like it cuz i just start thinking about stuff i dont want to think about. I guess im the type of person who needs people around them and hate/fear being alone, so i thought i would work on my story to keep me occupied until they come back and i think they said they would be going to the shops to get food as well. Havent gone back on msn yet dont feel like talking to people right now even tho i feel lonely right now =[ probs will only see Joel after the 26 of feb cuz of his studies. I dont know what else to say right now all that i just feel like crying but i dont know why maybe cuz i miss Joel alot and when he tells me he has to go i get a surge of pain through out my chest, i dont understand that. I dont understand anything any more like all this new emotions im experiencing and i dont know how to handle them. Joel has probs already had all this emotions and knows how to handle them but im still new to all of this and i dont know what to do i love him so much that it hurts to love him. I’m not saying i dont want to be with him if he reads this and thinks im going to break up with him im not cuz i want to conque this emotions and be with him for the rest of my life and i know that sounds full on and maybe he will think that but thats how i feel, sometimes i feel alright but other days i just feel so down and i feel i cant talk to my mom about this feelings cuz i know she would say im being stupid and that hes my first boyfriend and not to take it so seriously but i am because i dont want him to be my first boyfriend, i want him to be the only boyfriend, i just want him no one else just him well i think ive gone off a bit too much might write another post later tonight maybe
trytosmile
